Its All About The Bond

Since we have begun talking about having a child, Chad and I have thought about a lot of different possibilities.  Who knew that if you were physically unable to have kids, the doors would fly open to all kinds of options.  

So, there is the surrogacy issue.  If we could find a woman who we could convince to have our children, she would give us a child that is biologically ours.  But then who's child would it be? And how would we decide who's "DNA" we would use? I am sure a nice game of rock, paper, scissors would make that decision real easy.  Then the question would be about the woman.  How do we choose? A desperate plea on craigslist? Chad standing on the corner with a sign begging for a new, or semi-used uterus? Probably not the best way to go about it.  There are just too many variables, especially if we know the woman already.  Awkward social gatherings 10 years from now and trying to explain why our daughter/son looks just like that strange woman across the room; that probably wouldn't be best.  

Then there is the adoption route.  We started with the county.  We went to a couple of meetings, and quite frankly it just scared the be-jeebuz out of us.  What worries me most is that our child will have been through who knows how many homes and been to exposed to so many horrid things that I would never be able to erase them from his or her tiny, innocent mind.  Then there is the drug factor.  What if the baby is born addicted to drugs.  That was pretty much a guarantee.  And you know, kids say the darnedest things when they are angry. I am sure that structure would be seen as overbearing and suddenly the child is telling the over-worked and under-paid social worker that we "did" things.  Professionally and emotionally I am just not ready for that.  Plus, in our meetings we were told that the child could be taken back by the birth parents at any point.  I have a fear that we will get a child just dropped into our home and then we invest so much time and energy into the child's life just to have it all taken away from us.  If that happened, I am not convinced I would ever recover.

And that leads us to the route we have taken.  Private, open adoption.  The goal of the open adoption is to allow an open dialogue between the birth mother and us.  We create a profile for all prospective birthmothers to choose from.  When she sees us as the best option (and quite frankly, who wouldn't, right?) we make contact.  It is then that the relationship building begins and we start making plans and arrangements.  We establish a plan of how much contact is involved when the baby is born.  I am not fully comfortable with a lot of contact. I don't want to confuse the child, but I think it is healthy and responsible for us to keep our child as aware as age appropriately as possible.  I am willing to send pictures and Christmas cards.  As the child gets older, we can negotiate possible phone calls and an eventual meet and greet.  

We have debated what age the child should be when we adopt.  Chad has been open to even older children.  But its all about the bond.  There is a reason that naturally babies are born completely dependent on their parents.  And at the same time, it is natural for parents to be absolutely clueless about the whole parenting thing. Its about growing together and learning together - parents and child.  I didn't want an older child who has already experienced things that I don't know about.  I want to grow together.  That bond is so vital. I want to look at that baby right after it is born. I want to have that moment that all parents get when they look at their newborn baby for the first time.  That is when it all starts.  It is a journey.  A long one with a lot of bumps and pot holes along the way.  But, at least with us all being fresh and new, the bumps won't be compared to anything else. And that makes it all worth it.  

Travis